A couple weeks ago, I took on Michael's challenge to complete a 100 line poem. So. I did.

A Verbose Declaration (self justification, and eventual reconsideration) of my Departure:

To: Save a shred of decency
From: a pathetic girl, confused

I give this notice of my departure
to let my absence be excused

I'll be back when the money comes
and leave these leaking rafters
I'll be back when the thunder's drum
fades into a quiet laughter
I'll be back when stupidity reverts
to second language status
but until then my life diverts
Dr. Horrible, I've come to enlist

but it's plain to se, evil inside of me...is on the rise...

I'll be back when I can sing
those happy songs and not feel sick.
No more Wombats, Nash, or Owl City;
more appropriately: "Lost" and "The Scientist"
I'm not on a joyride for
a thrilling, futile game
If I do this I'm gonna do it right
I can't go on with things the same,

(Joel Osteen with his plastic grin,
"You'll see the light, my cult!
You can redeem unsightly sin,
donate money and consult!")

Sitting on the floor with my head in my hands,
I can only suggest I was never okay.
Unraveling my plans into single hair strands,
undoing the life I'd portrayed.

I can wash my hands of you.
But you can't wash your hands of me.
(thankfully?)

The good old days, the honest man;
The restless heart, the Promised Land,
A subtle kiss that no one sees;
A broken wrist and a picture piece.

I'll keep you at arms distance
so you're always at close reach
pulling you close is just passive resistance
my security, when necessary, breached.
I'll clasp your hand around my fist,
throwing empty praise upon your name.
I'll smile, perfect the Judas kiss,
and embody Peter's shame.

I felt so sure of everything,
My love to you so well received
And I just strutted around your town
Knowing I didn't let you down
The truth be known, the truth be told
My heart was always fairly cold

I was always told that ugly faces
stick around for good
seeing from my false embraces
the insides also would
Like Sting, I've built a fortress
encircling my heart
not something I should care profess
but deceptions I must part

and I won't feel a thing

and I figure I'm not the only one
with their back up against the wall;
revolving universe undone,
I'm beginning to feel small.
But I can't help myself,
and before I turn around,
I'll make it known through shouts and whispers
the wall was never there at all.

You still don't believe, you don't believe
You don't believe, your grievances show
When your soapbox unfolds
But please come down from that cloud you're sitting on

Will you really take my crap?
Forgoing respect for ridicule?
From what it seems, I spit and swear
Your silence endears me the fool
It's funny, your indifference
seems to get to me the most
breaking through my hardest defense
and deflating all my boasts

please don't fight these hands that are holding you

Repeated call inside my head: "Pack up and leave this joint!"
but it's the only home I've ever known,
and when I reach my breaking point,
it's the only home I'll ever own

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

I can wash my hands of you
(the blood is thinning)
but I can't wash my hands of me
(it's much too sticky)
and you won't wash your hands of me.

(thankfully?)

Like faith needs a doubt
Like a freeway out
I need your love

Maybe I shan't leave after all,
In that case, I think,
(thankfully.)

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maybe one day, maybe someday, maybe never at all.

It's very hard to concentrate while writing this, because I'm listening to music...I know I should turn it off so I can write this properly, but I just can't...I don't want to interrupt the beauty. I feel sort of rude. ;) Anyhow, let me just keep thinking...
I think the point of this entry is to make an official mark of what I'd hope to accomplish...things both relatively soon and far off. I think I like documenting things. It's easier to do online, though, because it takes up no space except the virtual..yet then again, there's nothing more beautiful than words on paper, to pick up and find again when you're older. Not to mention, it's solid..it can't mysteriously delete itself, it's tangible, it's...everything sweet and wonderful. I like paper. Though I do say, as much as I like keeping my "stuff" and posessions to a minimum, I have been making an effort to keep a few scraps of paper that I know I'll smile on a few years down the road.
.. oh what a rabbit trail I just went down. So. Aspirations.

Foster children. I don't know exactly where that idea came from...but it stuck. I like to teach...I like to love...I want to be able to nurture and grow children, teens especially, with all the strength I have. Teens especially...because they're the forgotten ones, usually. Most people look for an adorable baby, for them to raise as their own and under their ways. Nobody wants a moody, struggling, more than likely rebellious and obstinate teen. But I think they're exactly the ones I'd like to reach out to. Provide them with a (hopefully) stable, God-fearing, encouraging environment before they leave to make their own way. Just as much help I can give to them before they have to start making their own decisions.

Direct films. Media is a gigantic passion of mine, but film in particular holds me captivated. Films have more sway over culture than almost anything, and quality films are few and far between. People trust Steven Spielburg over George Bush. I love the idea of being involved in everything from the musical composition of the film, to the script writing itself, to having my ultimate vision of the storyline become a reality. (Michael says it's because I'm a control freak. ;) )

Intern with CFC. There are many people with this passion, I think. Ever since my first conference, I've always felt it was something I should do. As I got more and more familiar with it, I realized that it was actually a possibility. I just...love seeing people light on fire, and understand the significance of communication and the impacts it can make. I remember the Friday Night Program last week, and how my eyes kept darting back and forth - from the performance to the audience, trying to see if they were at all inspired or motivated. I really do care..and I believe that it's something God wants me to pursue.

There are much smaller, more trivial things I'd like to accomplish on a more day-to-day basis, but these are the three that have been circulating through my mind the most.

You take the pieces of the dreams that you have, cause you don't like the way they seem to be going. You cut them up and spread them out on the floor. You're full of hope as you begin rearranging..

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"coffin" is a scary word.

I've wondered for a long time whether or not this century will be an archeological find a couple hundred years down the road. Will we fall into the foundations of the earth, only to be dug back up later as a prized find in the glimpse of human life in the 21st century? Somehow I don't see that happening.

Most of us are put in boxes, planted in the ground, and the surrounding area cultivated neatly by a paid undertaker. But thousands of people die every day, and cemeteries expand. Where will we all go? Where will we all fit? I don't think they allow cemeteries to be built upon just yet. For the record, I don't want to be buried in a cemetery or placed in a box when I die. I'd be honored if there was a memorial, but I don't want to pay hundreds, or even thousands, of dollars for a container in which my body will do exactly what it would do in the ground: decompose and rot. I'd really just love to be put under some tree, or near some flowering plants where I will do some good to the earth.

Anyways, I wrote a song last week. It's about the realization that the only thing left of us when we die are merely bones, and maybe parts of a preserved outfit once considered beautiful. It's about a hope that when we die, we'd leave something for others to continue. That our lives would embody both the literal and figurative sense of being the foundation of things to come....I know I don't wish to be remembered by a tombstone, for that isn't much of a memory at all. I wish to be remembered through life, not a gravesite, as the person I aspired to be. As for the song...it's not that interesting to read, just a lot of repeating parts...but I really like the music/melody that I wrote for it. Not that it helps, since it's not as though I plan on actually singing it. ;)

all we are are bones and flesh
moldy and torn that pretty dress
lay me rest and bid me part
and pray upon the younger hearts

I will soon be dead
my body in the ground
fuel for coming peoples
my body in the ground

nations build a future
build upon my skin
they'll stand upon my own two feet
my body in the ground

all we are are bones and flesh
moldy and torn that pretty dress
lay me rest and bid me part
and pray upon the younger hearts

all we are are bones and flesh
mold and torn that pretty dress
lay me rest and bid me part
and pray upon the younger hearts

all we are are bones and flesh (nations build a future)
mold and torn that pretty dress (build upon my skin)
lay me rest and bid me part (they'll stand upon my own two feet)
and pray upon the younger hearts (my body in the ground)

and pray upon the younger hearts

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"You Put This Love in My Heart!"

*sigh*

This is the first song I EVER remember truly loving. I had this dude, Keith Green, on a cd when I was five. I played this song in particular on repeat for as long as I can remember being five. And then....I scratched the cd really bad, so it stopped playing.

:moment of silence:

And forgot the singers name, as well as the name of the song. Eventually it faded from my mind, the only memories remaining being the words "green", "love in my heart", a rockin' piano beat, and staying up late singing in my bunkbed while trying to make sure nobody could hear myself or the cd player.

....and thanks, wikipedia, for that awful news. Apparently he's dead, and has been for a while. Died at 28 along with two of his sons in a plane crash. *sigh*

I found it hard to believe
Someone like you cared for me
You put this love in my heart

I tried but could not refuse
You gave me no time to choose
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

I want to tell you right now
I'm not afraid to say how
You put this love in my heart

There are sometimes when I doubt
But you always find me out
You put this love in my heart

Cause when I see all that you've done for me
It's hard to doubt, I just have to believe
Cause you followed and proved it all of your life

Well I know
the loneliness I had before
Is gone now
I'll never feel it anymore

Cause your love has released me
From all that's in my past
And I know I can believe you
When you say I'll never be forsaken
Your love is gonna last

There's so much more I should say
If I could just find a way
You put this love in my heart

Is all this real or a dream
I feel so good I could scream
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

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"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."

Walking the dog through the wooded streets of my neighborhood, through the creek, across the bridge over the lake, and past the horse pasture is my favorite way to end the day and start the evening. It's better when I have music, though. Epic music surrounding my head while gazing at the trees and sky...ahh. I've just recently come to accept the fact that it's okay to listen to music outdoors. I don't think it's acceptable in many other places, but walking outdoors..it's okay. I've always been paranoid that anyone seeing me walking with an ipod would label me as another teen so desperate from being forced out of their indoor recluse that they have some freakish need to wire their head with tasteless media the mass market has produced.

But thankfully I've gotten over it. They can think what they want, but if I want to listen to Sigur Ros as I walk with the sunset..then goshdarnit, I will! Probably the best thing about these walks, aside from the music, are the colors of everything outside. I've noticed there's a certain time this summer, anywhere between six and seven, where all colors come to life. It's as though someone flicked a master power switch and vamped up the vibrancy to extreme levels. Remember, we're talking 6-7pm here. Isn't that strange? The sun is never shining, there's no real light pouring in, yet everything just becomes highly saturated. And it's glorious.

Playlist last night:

Fireflies
Laughing With
Absolute
Dance Anthem of the 80's
It's Only You pt.2
Saeglo'pur
Big Shot (Hands in the Sky)

Obviously the flow was a bit awkward. And I didn't allow for transition time. But it was amazing how quickly my mind and heart jumped from theme to theme, fully taking it in. But because I took it in so quickly, I saw how drastically my surroundings adapted to my newfound mood brought on by the song. I mean, how can you follow the electro pop of "Fireflies" with "Laughing With"?! And the ponderings of being absolute...with dance anthem! Except I can justify that one...Dance Anthem is more than a happy song. Best line: And I am/One of your people/But the cars don't stop

But the craziest emotion jump of all? Going from Saeglo'pur to Big Shot. I don't know how many people can follow through with that, but I sure did. And it was an amazing and stunning feeling...One second I'm humming along to a...sad, somehow uplifting lullaby, and the next I'm pulsating with the numbing beats and screams of Big Shot, and my envisioned 1984-esque tension. Not only did my moods change in the blink of an eye, but within two seconds the scenery around me changed from beautiful and serene, to dark, deep and tempest filled. I found it both amazing and intruiging how quickly my perception changed just based off of how I felt. hm.

We don't see things as they are...

ps. This sounds awful. And tech-reliant. But the worst thing to do is turn of music in the middle of a song and just listen to nature. Nature seems much less fantastical. (sorry, nature. I love you.)

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plagued with questions. this must be what it feels like to be Rebecca. ;)

As Elijah pressed and snuggled his fuzzy warm face on my head, I caught myself right before I said "I love you almost as much as I love Mo-".

And I wasn't sure if I could finish that sentence. It didn't feel right to compare my affection, even if it was only between two cats, one living, and one dead.

Is love about more or less, or is love just: love. Can you love something more than you love another thing?
Would it really still be "love" in the fullest sense of the word? Though Love is hard to define...Can love be used comparatively? Can love have levels? Or would that completely destroy the essence of love itself? Why do I need to compare love? Maybe since I don't truly know what love is, I need measurements...a scale...to judge with. But is that really necessary? Can't I love without having to know what it is? Isn't every love different? You can't love everything, or everyone, the same way. Or can you? I'm confusing myself.

I interrupt this blog post to announce that I hear thunder. :)

I love thunder. But I love rain more. (am I allowed to do that? can I really love something more than another thing, and still call both "love"?)

or maybe none of it is love at all, and I've just succumbed to the meaningless frivolity of the word.

the thunder is getting louder now.

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