Thursday, October 15, 2009

redeemer

I'm down on my knees, begging you to trust me. And how could you? When I can't even begin to trust myself. I'm dying to please, begging you to forgive me. And how could you? When I can't even begin to forgive myself. It feels like a punch in the gut, this love, whether it's supposed to or not. A sickly, bittersweet, punch in the gut -- how you dare to put up with me.
You have put your trust in me; I can put my trust in you.
I find forgiveness in your grace; Though sin still taints my walk

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Steve Carell and Full Cupboards

I'm sitting here typing, knowing that I should at least be attempting to sleep....considering my minimal percentage of wakefulness this morning. Oh well. I'm uploading video footage, listening to one of the few rap songs on the planet I actually like, and eating a very much candy like cough drop.

I probably won't get around to editing anything at this rate. On a happy note....or, officially, maybe a more of an something in a minor key....considering the ominous ridiculosity of it...I have discovered that things you buy can in fact induce happiness!
:note snapshot: (yeah, I know, not true happiness. :P )



^ that would be a couple of ricola cough drops, a grocery list, and my completely inspiring paperbook for chem data sheets. I have another one of Dwight for my math. It's causing much drastic improvement. ;) As for the grocery list, well, who doesn't love food.

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Monday, September 21, 2009

I am Love

It has all been done before.

Said before, I've seen that lie.

I wonder if love is what it feels like to be high.

Is everything an attempt at recreating that one feeling?

A recipe for who knows what, and another hallmark greeting.

What do you mean, how, U2? Truth is easy to miss.

And the greatest of these is Love.

Love the Lord your God with all heart and soul and mind.

I don't even know what that looks like.

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Sunday, September 20, 2009

who hears every word

So much I wish to sing. Sing, loudly, sing. Sing, softly, sing. My voice is often misused, it's an ugly tool. So much I wish to sing.These words I could write just seem too quiet. words can scream, that I know. But I don't think I'm skilled enough to bring out emotions in words yet. So let me scream? Let me sing? Let me let it out. Let me find it out. Let me find the melody to match.

Hear this, you kings! Listen, you rulers! I will sing to the LORD, I will sing; I will make music to the LORD, the God of Israel. Sing for joy, O heavens, for the LORD has done this; shout aloud, O earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the LORD has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel.

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Friday, September 18, 2009

"...it's a vicious cycle..."

A couple days ago I wrote about a Sunday, a really beautiful Sunday that made me feel warm and fuzzy about life. About humanity. But I guess God wanted to remind me of the yin/yang thing. The next Saturday, he showed me something not nearly as pleasant.

I really do love downtown Augusta. It's a retro 1950's style downtown with brick strips and blocks with little shops inside, and you can walk to everything. Old fashioned murals are on the sides of some of the buildings. It's fairly well maintained. Not touristy-fresh-n-clean, but just enough of an old and unkempt feeling to give it character. The music hall and news station is on the east side, the riverwalk to the north, and hey! there's a Mellow Mushroom and Blue Sky Kitchen! It's just great.

There's also a side of it that isn't as great. The projects aren't far away, and it's common to see drunks and druggies...or drunk druggies...congregating there, out under the bridge, on the walk, anywhere. Saturday found myself and my sisters (excluding Erin) hanging out downtown with Drew for, as Holly said, "beginning of the year pictures". We visited the abandoned rail tracks on the bridge, hit up the graffiti warehouse (where the hobos sleep...sort of creepy) , and lastly on a whim decided to pull into this run down and unused brick apartment complex. The first thing I noticed was a pile of stuff over near the wall, it seemed to be trash that somebody dumped. While Holly started taking pictures, Drew and I went to inspect the stuff. There were receipts everywhere, all sorts of cards, makeup, inexpensive jewelry, a picture, checkbook, and a purse thrown off to the side.
"It's....a girl's purse, Drew."
"She got mugged."
".....but what would any girl be doing back here? It's an empty lot with empty broken apartments."
--
"This happened last night, nothing is wet."
"So should we call 911? Wait, look, here's here picture....she's pretty..."
"We probably shouldn't touch anything, it's a crime scene. They'll find our fingerprints."
"I found the checkbook, though. It has her family's name on it. We can look them up, or turn it in."

Reality check right there. Bad things, they happen. Not too far from where we find ourselves either.

*September 18, 2008. 39th and Broad, walking with Holly*

The man mumbled under his breath. He passed the trashcan.
He took a step back, peering into it. He spoke a little louder, an explanation in case anyone was watching.
"Well, it's perfectly fine. It is, I just know it's perfectly fine. Plently left, it's fine. Yes, I think I'll just finish it off. It's fine, sure is it fine."
He reached in and pulled out a half-drunk soda cup. As he took a sip, he noticed me watching him. He blushed, and hurriedly mumbled "Oh yes, this is good. It's fine." and waved me off.

. . . . .

hmm.

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

people are just people like you.


It was Sunday afternoon, dad had to leave in the morning back to Alabama. He decided on a whim that it might be fun to take the boat down to the river for late afternoon/evening swimming, snacks, and relaxation. So we scrambled to pull things together, put BYD in the backseat, hooked up the boat, and took off downtown. We decided, for no apparent reason, to use a launch we'd rarely used before. As we pulled in I noticed a group of people swimming, jumping off the dock, and laying on the launch ramp with their feet half-submerged. They moved out of the way as my dad began to back the boat into the water. As we went through the aggravating process, they stood and watched in the heat. I could see some of them smiling at our obvious difficulty. When the boat was in the water, they hesitantly went back to playing on the ramp, still watching us through sideways eyes. But of course, the boat wouldn't start. I won't go into the boring details.

I watched the people, who were really just one big family, with some sense of awe and curiosity. They did likewise to us. The little girl, Daisy, was about Erin's age. She clumsily walked over to where I was holding a rambunctious BYD. Her mother followed along , and tried to bring the girl back. Daisy reached her hand out, she wanted to pet the dog. Her mother rambled off to me something in Spanish and I got the gist that it was something about permission to pet the dog. So I explained "Well, she.." and went on for a couple sentences only to realize that it was all gibberish to her ears. She half nodded her head, grabbed Daisy's hand and walked back to the water. I felt a little bad. Meanwhile, the boat still wasn't starting. Dad tried to ask them if they had a jumper cable. At first they said no, but one of the men seemed like he figured out what my dad was asking for and then ran to get it out of his truck. If you ask me, they were obviously not from around here.(aka-newer residents of the US. I'll not call to doubt their legal status. :P)



So dad tried the jumper cable. We just kept standing around. Looking and watching. Two different families, from two different cultures, speaking two different languages. The two little boys, probably four or five, were apprehensive about us being near them. Or me, in particular. I was standing close to their cooler, and every few minutes the boy in the blue shirt came up to get a soda out of their cooler. He'd stare at me intensely as he creeped towards me and the cooler, then run back when he had picked out a drink. The next time he came I said "hi!" and smiled. He ignored me and reached down to open the cooler. Then I kinda said to myself "duh, coulda had a V8". When he looked up again, soda in hand, I said "hola." He looked at me curiously and nodded his head, then ran off. The boy was adorable..in a serious way. Later on another man of the family came up to the cooler and pulled out two sodas, offering one to me.
"somethinginspanishblahblahblah....coke?"
"Oh, no, thank you! We have drinks in our cooler. Thank you, though, thank you!"
^ It was just a soda. But something about that interaction......did something to me.


The oldest brother (I'm assuming that was his status) captivated me the most. I could tell he was really interested in our family. I'd find him staring at me, or Erin, or any one of us and when he'd catch my eye he'd look away. He was a handsome young man, somewhere between 15 and 17. It was hard to tell. He seemed older, but still had some boyish nature about him.

I managed to take a couple discreet pictures. I didn't want to seem like a creeper. Even though. um. I was. :P

Pointblank: these people, this family, made a difference to me.

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Saturday, September 5, 2009

perspective

if I saw myself apart from myself
from a hundred years away,
I wonder what I'd change.
To each their own, but each is blind
Do I see that I'm blind?
Two lense and one focus
And that's all it can ever be.
Do I see that I'm in a war?
A war of culture
a war of fame
a war of god(s) with a capital G.
A war that revolves around specifically me -
and specifically everyone else as well.
Do I know who I am?
that sheltered girl from century twenty one, middle class?
but more rich than you might think
that had tears to spare for poetry
and movie scenes and bad days
and songs and wishes to be Peter Pan
or at least a better version of me
(Mary Claire 2.0. I rather like that.)
Do I even know what I'm looking for?

People will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the LORD, but they will not find it.

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Friday, September 4, 2009

(I was not made an etch-a-sketch, and yet I am.)

particles joining and crafting and stretching
particles slipping and shaking and straying
while tiny hands remake again
a creation that can never be exactly the same

the possibilities depend upon the mind
ranging from minute and futile,
to endless and brilliant;
but when shaken,

everything falls apart

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Thursday, September 3, 2009

"sometimes is an ugly word"

too often is sometimes
only sometimes good enough
when you don't really know
what you think or think you know
and the only thing of sense
is what you sometimes thought or did
for to sometimes think or do
implies it has been thought and done
why not let it be?
the yes be yes, the no be no
the present state of mind unfold
no sometimes's or once upon a times
but a constant
perpetual
belief

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Sunday, August 30, 2009

A couple weeks ago, I took on Michael's challenge to complete a 100 line poem. So. I did.

A Verbose Declaration (self justification, and eventual reconsideration) of my Departure:

To: Save a shred of decency
From: a pathetic girl, confused

I give this notice of my departure
to let my absence be excused

I'll be back when the money comes
and leave these leaking rafters
I'll be back when the thunder's drum
fades into a quiet laughter
I'll be back when stupidity reverts
to second language status
but until then my life diverts
Dr. Horrible, I've come to enlist

but it's plain to se, evil inside of me...is on the rise...

I'll be back when I can sing
those happy songs and not feel sick.
No more Wombats, Nash, or Owl City;
more appropriately: "Lost" and "The Scientist"
I'm not on a joyride for
a thrilling, futile game
If I do this I'm gonna do it right
I can't go on with things the same,

(Joel Osteen with his plastic grin,
"You'll see the light, my cult!
You can redeem unsightly sin,
donate money and consult!")


Sitting on the floor with my head in my hands,
I can only suggest I was never okay.
Unraveling my plans into single hair strands,
undoing the life I'd portrayed.

I can wash my hands of you.
But you can't wash your hands of me.
(thankfully?)

The good old days, the honest man;
The restless heart, the Promised Land,
A subtle kiss that no one sees;
A broken wrist and a picture piece.


I'll keep you at arms distance
so you're always at close reach
pulling you close is just passive resistance
my security, when necessary, breached.
I'll clasp your hand around my fist,
throwing empty praise upon your name.
I'll smile, perfect the Judas kiss,
and embody Peter's shame.

I felt so sure of everything,
My love to you so well received
And I just strutted around your town
Knowing I didn't let you down
The truth be known, the truth be told
My heart was always fairly cold


I was always told that ugly faces
stick around for good
seeing from my false embraces
the insides also would
Like Sting, I've built a fortress
encircling my heart
not something I should care profess
but deceptions I must part

and I won't feel a thing

and I figure I'm not the only one
with their back up against the wall;
revolving universe undone,
I'm beginning to feel small.
But I can't help myself,
and before I turn around,
I'll make it known through shouts and whispers
the wall was never there at all.

You still don't believe, you don't believe
You don't believe, your grievances show
When your soapbox unfolds
But please come down from that cloud you're sitting on

Will you really take my crap?
Forgoing respect for ridicule?
From what it seems, I spit and swear
Your silence endears me the fool
It's funny, your indifference
seems to get to me the most
breaking through my hardest defense
and deflating all my boasts

please don't fight these hands that are holding you

Repeated call inside my head: "Pack up and leave this joint!"
but it's the only home I've ever known,
and when I reach my breaking point,
it's the only home I'll ever own

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start


I can wash my hands of you
(the blood is thinning)
but I can't wash my hands of me
(it's much too sticky)
and you won't wash your hands of me.

(thankfully?)

Like faith needs a doubt
Like a freeway out
I need your love

Maybe I shan't leave after all,
In that case, I think,
(thankfully.)

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Friday, August 28, 2009

maybe one day, maybe someday, maybe never at all.

It's very hard to concentrate while writing this, because I'm listening to music...I know I should turn it off so I can write this properly, but I just can't...I don't want to interrupt the beauty. I feel sort of rude. ;) Anyhow, let me just keep thinking...
I think the point of this entry is to make an official mark of what I'd hope to accomplish...things both relatively soon and far off. I think I like documenting things. It's easier to do online, though, because it takes up no space except the virtual..yet then again, there's nothing more beautiful than words on paper, to pick up and find again when you're older. Not to mention, it's solid..it can't mysteriously delete itself, it's tangible, it's...everything sweet and wonderful. I like paper. Though I do say, as much as I like keeping my "stuff" and posessions to a minimum, I have been making an effort to keep a few scraps of paper that I know I'll smile on a few years down the road.
.. oh what a rabbit trail I just went down. So. Aspirations.

Foster children. I don't know exactly where that idea came from...but it stuck. I like to teach...I like to love...I want to be able to nurture and grow children, teens especially, with all the strength I have. Teens especially...because they're the forgotten ones, usually. Most people look for an adorable baby, for them to raise as their own and under their ways. Nobody wants a moody, struggling, more than likely rebellious and obstinate teen. But I think they're exactly the ones I'd like to reach out to. Provide them with a (hopefully) stable, God-fearing, encouraging environment before they leave to make their own way. Just as much help I can give to them before they have to start making their own decisions.

Direct films. Media is a gigantic passion of mine, but film in particular holds me captivated. Films have more sway over culture than almost anything, and quality films are few and far between. People trust Steven Spielburg over George Bush. I love the idea of being involved in everything from the musical composition of the film, to the script writing itself, to having my ultimate vision of the storyline become a reality. (Michael says it's because I'm a control freak. ;) )

Intern with CFC. There are many people with this passion, I think. Ever since my first conference, I've always felt it was something I should do. As I got more and more familiar with it, I realized that it was actually a possibility. I just...love seeing people light on fire, and understand the significance of communication and the impacts it can make. I remember the Friday Night Program last week, and how my eyes kept darting back and forth - from the performance to the audience, trying to see if they were at all inspired or motivated. I really do care..and I believe that it's something God wants me to pursue.

There are much smaller, more trivial things I'd like to accomplish on a more day-to-day basis, but these are the three that have been circulating through my mind the most.

You take the pieces of the dreams that you have, cause you don't like the way they seem to be going. You cut them up and spread them out on the floor. You're full of hope as you begin rearranging..

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"coffin" is a scary word.


I've wondered for a long time whether or not this century will be an archeological find a couple hundred years down the road. Will we fall into the foundations of the earth, only to be dug back up later as a prized find in the glimpse of human life in the 21st century? Somehow I don't see that happening.

Most of us are put in boxes, planted in the ground, and the surrounding area cultivated neatly by a paid undertaker. But thousands of people die every day, and cemeteries expand. Where will we all go? Where will we all fit? I don't think they allow cemeteries to be built upon just yet. For the record, I don't want to be buried in a cemetery or placed in a box when I die. I'd be honored if there was a memorial, but I don't want to pay hundreds, or even thousands, of dollars for a container in which my body will do exactly what it would do in the ground: decompose and rot. I'd really just love to be put under some tree, or near some flowering plants where I will do some good to the earth.

Anyways, I wrote a song last week. It's about the realization that the only thing left of us when we die are merely bones, and maybe parts of a preserved outfit once considered beautiful. It's about a hope that when we die, we'd leave something for others to continue. That our lives would embody both the literal and figurative sense of being the foundation of things to come....I know I don't wish to be remembered by a tombstone, for that isn't much of a memory at all. I wish to be remembered through life, not a gravesite, as the person I aspired to be. As for the song...it's not that interesting to read, just a lot of repeating parts...but I really like the music/melody that I wrote for it. Not that it helps, since it's not as though I plan on actually singing it. ;)

all we are are bones and flesh
moldy and torn that pretty dress
lay me rest and bid me part
and pray upon the younger hearts

I will soon be dead
my body in the ground
fuel for coming peoples
my body in the ground

nations build a future
build upon my skin
they'll stand upon my own two feet
my body in the ground

all we are are bones and flesh
moldy and torn that pretty dress
lay me rest and bid me part
and pray upon the younger hearts

all we are are bones and flesh
mold and torn that pretty dress
lay me rest and bid me part
and pray upon the younger hearts

all we are are bones and flesh (nations build a future)
mold and torn that pretty dress (build upon my skin)
lay me rest and bid me part (they'll stand upon my own two feet)
and pray upon the younger hearts (my body in the ground)

and pray upon the younger hearts

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Monday, August 24, 2009

"You Put This Love in My Heart!"




*sigh*

This is the first song I EVER remember truly loving. I had this dude, Keith Green, on a cd when I was five. I played this song in particular on repeat for as long as I can remember being five. And then....I scratched the cd really bad, so it stopped playing.

:moment of silence:

And forgot the singers name, as well as the name of the song. Eventually it faded from my mind, the only memories remaining being the words "green", "love in my heart", a rockin' piano beat, and staying up late singing in my bunkbed while trying to make sure nobody could hear myself or the cd player.

....and thanks, wikipedia, for that awful news. Apparently he's dead, and has been for a while. Died at 28 along with two of his sons in a plane crash. *sigh*

I found it hard to believe
Someone like you cared for me
You put this love in my heart

I tried but could not refuse
You gave me no time to choose
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

I want to tell you right now
I'm not afraid to say how
You put this love in my heart

There are sometimes when I doubt
But you always find me out
You put this love in my heart

Cause when I see all that you've done for me
It's hard to doubt, I just have to believe
Cause you followed and proved it all of your life

Well I know
the loneliness I had before
Is gone now
I'll never feel it anymore

Cause your love has released me
From all that's in my past
And I know I can believe you
When you say I'll never be forsaken
Your love is gonna last

There's so much more I should say
If I could just find a way
You put this love in my heart

Is all this real or a dream
I feel so good I could scream
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

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Thursday, August 6, 2009

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."


Walking the dog through the wooded streets of my neighborhood, through the creek, across the bridge over the lake, and past the horse pasture is my favorite way to end the day and start the evening. It's better when I have music, though. Epic music surrounding my head while gazing at the trees and sky...ahh. I've just recently come to accept the fact that it's okay to listen to music outdoors. I don't think it's acceptable in many other places, but walking outdoors..it's okay. I've always been paranoid that anyone seeing me walking with an ipod would label me as another teen so desperate from being forced out of their indoor recluse that they have some freakish need to wire their head with tasteless media the mass market has produced.

But thankfully I've gotten over it. They can think what they want, but if I want to listen to Sigur Ros as I walk with the sunset..then goshdarnit, I will! Probably the best thing about these walks, aside from the music, are the colors of everything outside. I've noticed there's a certain time this summer, anywhere between six and seven, where all colors come to life. It's as though someone flicked a master power switch and vamped up the vibrancy to extreme levels. Remember, we're talking 6-7pm here. Isn't that strange? The sun is never shining, there's no real light pouring in, yet everything just becomes highly saturated. And it's glorious.

Playlist last night:

Fireflies
Laughing With
Absolute
Dance Anthem of the 80's
It's Only You pt.2
Saeglo'pur
Big Shot (Hands in the Sky)

Obviously the flow was a bit awkward. And I didn't allow for transition time. But it was amazing how quickly my mind and heart jumped from theme to theme, fully taking it in. But because I took it in so quickly, I saw how drastically my surroundings adapted to my newfound mood brought on by the song. I mean, how can you follow the electro pop of "Fireflies" with "Laughing With"?! And the ponderings of being absolute...with dance anthem! Except I can justify that one...Dance Anthem is more than a happy song. Best line: And I am/One of your people/But the cars don't stop

But the craziest emotion jump of all? Going from Saeglo'pur to Big Shot. I don't know how many people can follow through with that, but I sure did. And it was an amazing and stunning feeling...One second I'm humming along to a...sad, somehow uplifting lullaby, and the next I'm pulsating with the numbing beats and screams of Big Shot, and my envisioned 1984-esque tension. Not only did my moods change in the blink of an eye, but within two seconds the scenery around me changed from beautiful and serene, to dark, deep and tempest filled. I found it both amazing and intruiging how quickly my perception changed just based off of how I felt. hm.

We don't see things as they are...

ps. This sounds awful. And tech-reliant. But the worst thing to do is turn of music in the middle of a song and just listen to nature. Nature seems much less fantastical. (sorry, nature. I love you.)

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

plagued with questions. this must be what it feels like to be Rebecca. ;)

As Elijah pressed and snuggled his fuzzy warm face on my head, I caught myself right before I said "I love you almost as much as I love Mo-".

And I wasn't sure if I could finish that sentence. It didn't feel right to compare my affection, even if it was only between two cats, one living, and one dead.

Is love about more or less, or is love just: love. Can you love something more than you love another thing?
Would it really still be "love" in the fullest sense of the word? Though Love is hard to define...Can love be used comparatively? Can love have levels? Or would that completely destroy the essence of love itself? Why do I need to compare love? Maybe since I don't truly know what love is, I need measurements...a scale...to judge with. But is that really necessary? Can't I love without having to know what it is? Isn't every love different? You can't love everything, or everyone, the same way. Or can you? I'm confusing myself.

I interrupt this blog post to announce that I hear thunder. :)

I love thunder. But I love rain more. (am I allowed to do that? can I really love something more than another thing, and still call both "love"?)

or maybe none of it is love at all, and I've just succumbed to the meaningless frivolity of the word.

the thunder is getting louder now.

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

but her life is so beautiful/as memories continue to grow

My little red and green wagon has been around the block a few times. No, literally. As well as figuratively. My Little Tikes (what is a "tike", anyways? I hear it's an endearing term?) is on it's 10th year. And still going strong! I helped the family clean and reorganize the garage today, and I got to scrub it down. Looking at it reminded me of all these weird memories from when I was five, and first moved to Hawaii. Pardon the long and nostalgic post, but I decided I must write down these fading memories before they're gone from my mind forever. Okay, so, chronologically - here. we. GO.

I'm five. We're looking for housing, there's no room on base. Holly is 11, Katherine is 1. For the time being, we stayed at the Hilton Hawaiian Village hotel. It was both weird, and fun. I remember going to the hotel pool a lot, which was extremely beautiful and fun. And the hotel/poolside snack bar - oh the frosty ice creams. So GOOD. Those were a real treat. They were laced with either blue or pink frostingy stuff. But anyways, this hotel - I remember that's where my dad brought home the board game "Memory!" (I had hours of both fun and frustration with that game) and the wagon. It was odd, having a wagon inside a hotel. I actually don't ever remember using it there. But it was nice to look at.

Oh, and then there was that lady. That homeless lady. She sat out in the sun near the beach all day, and she didn't have any umbrella or shade except for the palm trees she sat under. And you think you've seen sunburn? No, you haven't EVER seen sunburn compared to this lady. It was awful. She was like a wrinkly, flaming prune. (flaming prune, eh? I need to invent that. might taste good. anyways.) So one night Holly and I stayed up late working on a secret project for the "Homeless Sunburnt Lady". I drew a crayon picture. The picture was of the beach, a crab, a palm tree, and her. I labeled everything. Being five, I was always worried people wouldn't understand what I drew. The red thing on that picture? That was her. I remember the color I used, too. A combo of "brick red" and "burnt sienna". Holly did something, I forget. Maybe it was a shell necklace. So the next morning Holly and I venture outside the hotel place and walk up to the beach, and under the palm tree she was sitting under. I gave her my picture, and just in case she couldn't read my labels, carefully pointed out what each picture object was. Even her, the "red thing under the palm tree." We also handed her a bottle of sunscreen. I don't know what she thought of that. So we didn't give her a home, or food, or money...just a picture, a necklace, and some sunscreen...but hopefully she remembers us little kids as much as we remember her.

Next is...ooh, here's a fun memory. We went to go look at a house. It was a neat house, everything was wood and wood paneled. Gave the house an intriguing look. The coolest thing, though, were the geckos. The house had geckos EVERYWHERE. That's not unusual, it'd be unusual to find a house withOUT them in it. But these geckos had taken over. They were just...everywhere. It also had a large outside jaccuzzi. I remember lifting the lid of this jaccuzzi and screaming. The inside was teeming with geckos, gecko eggs, and gecko skeletons. I love finding them, even the skeletons, but finding them in such a quantity and in such a manner would give anyone a bit of a shock. Later, I got bored and went outside. I found a dead crab shell. Actually, I found many, but this was the only one with the majority of the shell intact. So I brought it home! I got in the van, the very back (I always sat in the very back. Don't know why.) and placed it in the little arm rest container. Well, it was a hot day that day. Add the factor that the air conditioner in this van wasn't working, and you have some real heat building up in there. Soon a foul smell began to circulate through the car, slowly but surely. We all held our noses and searched for the source of the smell. Then, I opened up the container with the crab shell, and sheepishly grinned. My crab shell was mostly intact for a reason, I later found out. Some of the insides were still alive and stink rotting. Ohhh...it took weeks for that car to de-funk-ify...

The last thing I can remember about this part of my life was our transition to a hotel on the other side of the island. This hotel place was...kind of creepy. It was yellow and not very kept. Holly and I shared a bed that was about half the size of a twin...so all I remember was taking turns falling off the bed as we lay there, trying to stay as still as possible, and holding on for dear sleep to the edge of the bed. This hotel also had a pool. Not a great pool, but for being five, I found it very fun. I have no recollection of exactly how long we stayed there, but what gave me panic was the fact that my mom suggested STAYING there. For KEEPS. *shudders*

Mom, that was a shady part of town. Just sayin'.

Anyways. Sorry for the selfish post. (though aren't they all selfish?) I had to gratify my need to write about myself and my experiences. Even the lame ones. ;)

ps. that little red and green wagon has been through all four of us Birdsong girls.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

"Waking up is a strange reason to die.."

href="http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/28165/?ck=1">


"HAIL ConGRESS!"

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for? I'm yours and that's it, for ever."


Today I thought of something Anna-Lisa wrote. It was quite profound, I think. Or maybe it wasn't, but I remember it. That should say something. Regardless, it was about love. (doesn't everything link back to love? I can't think of anything that doesn't. but I digress.)

She wrote about the ten different ways of saying I love you, and what each could be interpreted as saying. The basic idea, and I quote:

"Actually, anytime anyone changes the spelling of "love" and adds/changes/intentionally misspells words, you're usually screwed. Examples include: luv, luvz, luff, and lurve."

Hah, and I totally understood that. "love ya!" and "<3 you!" and "ily!" are so fake, so false, so cheap (even if not intended to be) compared to the simple yet profound "I love you." I seen it happen all the time. Why does it happen? Is it insecurity? Or too forward? Yes, love is strong. Are you afraid of the intensity of the word? Or maybe it's just to be cute. But love isn't cute. No, love is powerful, mighty, and sometimes ugly and unbearable. But don't call love by any other name, it's just a cheap imitation.

Love...deserves more than a cheap imitation.

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

?

Does who I want to be have any bearing on who I actually am? Can I say that I think one way, even when I act another? What part of my split personality is actually me? Am I the quiet, thoughtful girl - or the loud, awkward one? Can I truly be both? Is acting the way I want to be but not the way I am deceitful? Do friends really bring out different parts of my personality, or do I just fit my personality to suit them? Does God really hold the answer to these questions in a magic 8 ball, or are they unanswerable?

Is there such thing as a stupid question?

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Saturday, July 11, 2009

because everyone seems to write to unintelligible things these days.




Dear Canon Powershot,
Sometimes you give me some really good shots. Sometimes. But I need to tell you something. I feel let down when you don't see what I see. The dimensions, the scope, the real liveness and 3D-ness of it all. I feel let down when I see something beautiful, and I raise your lense, expecting you to capture exactly what I see. And you fail. The image on your screen is dark, dull, and one dimensional. What I see is clear, vibrant and awe inspiring. What can I do to fix you? Am I doing something wrong? Don't get me wrong, you've been there for me. A lot. And I appreciate it, I really do. But sometimes you do get on my last nerve.
Yours Truly



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Friday, July 10, 2009

but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. (ie. i need to start memorizing the periodic table. :P)

Robert Frost, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009


I don't want to say "God Bless America".
I'd rather say "God Bless Humanity".

I'm not a good patriot, I think.

Patriot - One who loves, supports, and defends one's country.

Do I love my country? Definitely, though for the right reasons? I love my country because it has an amazing history, provides fruitful living and easy opportunity, generally speaking. But I don't really see why I should love it more than I love the land of...ice, say, or green. Though I have been commanded to obey the government God set into motion (though not when it conflicts with His laws) I don't recall any command to love or support it more than another nation.

Do I support my country? In some ways. I don't support all of it's decisions.

Do I defend my country? From what? My dad is in the armed forces, if that's what it entails to defend...but as for me, I equally abuse and defend America.

But that's not my point here, not my point at all. What I want to write about is the majority of American's extreme patriotism to their country. It's a fine place to live, certainly. But it's just as corrupt as every other nation. If Jesus came down from earth, would he be patriotic?

All Nations Are Corrupt

1 John 5:19 And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lieth in wickedness.

Do Not Love The World

1 John 2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.


"I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

allegiance - Loyalty or the obligation of loyalty, as to a nation, sovereign, or cause.


Whose Kingdom are you going to serve?

On a slightly different note, my family went out on the river to grill and watch the fireworks last night. Here in Augusta we really do have a spectacular fireworks show. This year there were some amazing ones. Smiley faces, curly-qs, my favorite - chaos - and of course the climactic lighting of the bridge. It's like a niagra falls of fire off the bridge connecting South Carolina to Georgia. But my attention was not held captive by these awesome displays. Instead, the flashing lights and sirens coming from another bridge directly in front of the fireworks one kept me distracted. The traffic had come to a complete halt, and there were somewhere around five ambulances and a fire truck wailing and shining their lights.

I was just...in a kind of trance, staring at this major upheaval on the highway. I heard a few repulsive comments from other boaters during the show, though. "Ha! Those lights are free, folks." I was really aggravated. (actually, the entire fireworks show was free, so that made him even more stupid.) I kept thinking about how awful it would be to get loaded into an emergency vehicle with fireworks blasting your eardrums, and people cheering just a little ways away...and you laying there in ruin, a bloody mess. It'd be horrible. As if there wasn't enough pain and confusion with a wreck and possible deaths, there's a major party commotion just a hundred feet away.

Then this morning I read the newspaper and find that there was a three car collision that sent eight people to the emergency room on the Savannah Highway Bridge.

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Friday, July 3, 2009

she puts her hands against the life she had / living with ignorance, blissful and sad

metize = the act of making any conversation about me

usage - I tend to metize everyone else's blogs


There's this really awesome blog out there called Balderdash. The concept is, essentially, it takes all those comment verification words and defines them applicably. Anyways, I read this one and it immediately clicked with me. In normal conversation, online chat, and blogger - I tend to try and point everything someone says or writes back to how it applies to...well...me. In some ways, it's not a negative. It's almost an effort to relate with the other person, and find a connection through experience and tastes. In another, it is. Because instead of really considering and thinking of the other person, and how it must feel for them, I'm thinking about myself and how whatever they said/did relates back to me and my experiences, knowledge, likes and dislikes. And that's normal, very normal, granted. And I know on the flip side that I do like hearing about what my friends have to say regarding something I'm going through. So where is the line drawn?

"What I mean is, as a human, I am flawed in that it is difficult for me to consider others before myself. It feels like I have to fight against this force, this current within me that, more often than not, wants to avoid serious issues and please myself, buy things for myself, feed myself, entertain myself, and all of that. All I'm saying is that if we, as a species, could fix our self-absorption, we could end a lot of pain in this world."

- Blue Like Jazz


I'm fooling myself into thinking I can achieve all the things I aspire to....true, loving, lasting friendships...furthering my skills as a writer....a better understanding of God and his plan...multiple things. But how can I reach any of those when my compass is pointed towards myself?

“Self is ingenious, crooked, and, governed by subtle and snaky desire, admits of endless turnings and qualifications, and the deluded worshippers of self vainly imagine that they can gratify every worldly desire, and at the same time possess the Truth”

- James Allen

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

I feel sick. Not so much physically sick, just mentally sick. My mind has been racing these past few weeks, and I can't seem to make it stop. I have a hard time sleeping, I have a hard time focusing, I have a hard time being pleasant. I can't think about any issue for longer than two minutes before my mind jumps to something else, and when it does, I can't return to my previous train of thought no matter how hard I try. (it's also a problem with reading. people are both skeptical and in shock over how fast I read sometimes, but it's an issue with my brain. My mind refuses to "read" words, unless they're unfamiliar. It scans them and jumps, sentence by sentence. I can't help it.) But in this state of mental sickness I've also been very critical of myself, and kind of overbearing. Doesn't it stink when you don't know how to deal with your own self? I mean, I've always been critical of myself, but it's always worse when I'm critiquing myself while in a foul mood. In that sense, I am my own worst enemy.

I bought music today, though. That should've cheered me up. The new Mew album, Regina Spektor's "Dance Anthem of the 80's", Salems "It's only You pt.2", and a couple other oddsnends alternative songs. Gosh, sometimes I just sit frustratedly on my bed after listening to music and ponder how someone could make something so...hauntingly brilliant, especially lyrically. Oh, and I know this is disjointed, but I just feel the need to make it official - I love the songs from Dr. Horrible. And I know it's a comedy, but I take it so seriously, especially "Everything you Ever".

WHoa, I just said that.

Anyways, this is getting disjointed. Off to face another day.

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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

"The finest amusements are the most pointless ones."

At the age of eight and four, my sister and I invented a game. This game was only played when we were stuck alone by ourselves, usually when we were eating lunch. I'd have my nose stuck in a book, the flap being held secure under my plate. Eventually Katherine would intervene with an impatient interruption, ever so bored.

"Hey! hey - no - *grabs book* pay attention to me! Wanna play rude man nice lady?"

*sigh*

*grabs for book to no avail*

"......"

"Okay."

From then on, we were assigned a character. We always fought over who got to be the "Rude Man". I mean, obviously. Any excuse to be rude, especially when there's food involved, is simply too good to be passed up. So we'd bicker for a while, cut a deal, and then depict the characters given. "Nice Lady" would fold her hands, make polite comments, cut her food into small pieces, and proffer napkins to "Rude Man". "Rude Man" would grunt, shovel food into his mouth, spill his drink, and eat off the "Nice Lady's" plate. This would get very tedious for "Nice Lady", so soon she'd try to distract "Rude Man" from his annoying games and make small talk, which went as such.

"Lovely weather we're having, wouldn't you agree fine sir?"

*grunt, flicks mashed potatoes on face*

"Mhm, yes. Enjoying your meal today? I hear the potatoes are a real hit."

*rolls eyes, grabs handful of potatoes and throws it*

"Excuse me sir, please refrain."

"Pshaw!"

*makes faces and steals my food, eating the dessert and mushing the sandwich*

"Hey! Stoppit!! Katherine! I'm telling mom!"

"No! You can't! I'm RUDE MAN. So there!"

We both would abuse the position of "Rude Man", to our enjoyment and the others annoyance. This game always ended in a fight, or in a resignation - usually from "Nice Lady". She'd take her lunch away and go watch Full House.

True Story.

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Monday, June 29, 2009

you yell at me
you yell at me and it hurts,
it hurts like hell even if it's only
because you hurt my pride

you grasp at me
you grasp at me and I choke,
strangled by the grip of your hand
because you're sick of my crying

you're yelling again
more like screaming,
telling me I'd better make this one count
make this one count

jump off the high dive!
get a running start!

stop with your pathetic whines
there's a technicality you say?
technicality - an excuse
for the unexusable

you can run to the ladder
make chase to the ground
sheepish, with red skin to be sure
but better than to drown?

you stand thirty feet high
as you look down and tremble
as your shoulders turn rigid
as you stare-play the abyss below

welcome to the high dive

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

hi.

I...got born today. fifteen years ago today. hum.

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

[snow patrol albums do weird things to me. i have no idea.]

my life is, yes, is, a state of being
i exist.
i think.
haven't you heard of descartes?
but i'm getting off track.

my life is, yes is,
what...?
...what?
another quality demolition project
day by day I'm a work in progress.

progress is, yes is, a state of being
but a state of being progressing towards
destruction
is that an oxymoron?
i forget.

progressing towards destruction,
yes that's me
I've been told I'm dying with each breath I take
each moment I waste
why bother with rhyme and meter?

I'm sure you noticed there's no flow
it's because there's no time, don't you see?
I'm deteriorating before your face
not sure if I can take the anticipation

somehow I don't think
well, I do descartes, but just let me finish
I don't think that I'm what they planned
and by they I mean them

my forefathers
the ones who gave me this life to die
i don't think they'd like what they see
I hope they can't see me from where they are

their toil and strain, I don't know if they'd do it over
could they tell me if it's worth it?
just another wanna be poet
stumbling through overcooked slop in the pot

the leftovers, it's all I got
as I crumple paper after paper
i should take out the trash
i think.
you happy, descartes?

my life is, yes is, another quality demolition project

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Friday, June 12, 2009

"I can't go back to yesterday..because I was a different person then."

I was supposed to be cleaning my room up a bit, but instead, like always happens, I ended up just going through some of my old stuff and reorganizing it. I wasn't actually asked to clean my room, but I'm kinda spastic about it. I like to know that there's always one place in the house that'll be mess free. Anyways, I decided to go through everything I found. And I mean everything. Old photo albums, coloring books, writing assignments, journals, 'treasures' :) , and the like. It was quite fascinating! According to my 2003 journal, I was training to be a spy during the month of July. I wrote about things mostly mundane. Daily activities, the gossip of the neighborhood, how much I hated math, rants about my anger against the family...haha. I remember going to Holly's "big kid" youth group one day at church when I was six, because childrens church was closed. I remember the youth pastor proudly, holding up my childrens bible, "I've read the whole bible eight times!" and not realize that my children's bible was not quite the same as the real thing. ;) Oh, and apparently I gave my mom, when I was ten, a "Jhon Kerry biography for her birthday! She didn't really like that." I cracked up when I read that. Oh, and to be sure, watching my handwriting progress through the years has been high entertainment.

Yet the best, most eye opening thing I found in my chest of stuff was a letter from my dad when he was deployed...that I don't ever remember reading. It was written on a typewriter, and the page edges are yellow with age. I don't know, it just means a lot to me. Especially reading it now, after so much has past and changed.

Dear Mary Claire,
21 June 2001

On the occasion of your birthday, I want to tell
you how special you are and how proud I am of you.
You are seven years old now and getting ready for
the second grade. I have a lot of pictures of you
in my head; they make me smile a lot. I see you
sitting in the truck intently looking out the
window taking everything in. I think about the
hikes we've gon on in the Kahukus playing hide and
seek along the way. I think about swimming out to
the big rock at Three Tables and you working hard
to see the fish below. I think about you laying in
bed intently reading your books. You are a superb
reader. I especially like to see you reading your
Bible and learning about God and Jesus. I know God
has a good plan for your life. Reading is a gift
you should continue to enjoy. I like it when you
run with me, we need to do it often so you can get
even better. I want you to continue to work hard
on your schoolwork. You are a good learner and do
good work when you put your mind to it. I like to
see you sitting at your desk working away. We've
had a busy year with our moving to a new house and
everything. We had to leave our Chickens behind
but I'll never forget watching you run around with
Gigi, Buttercup, and other chickens in your arms
running around the yard. You are special to your
little sister Katherine, she really adores you.
That's why it is important to always be a good
example for her. Like your mother, you are a
beautiful girl, inside and out: honey hair and
green eyes. There are so many things that make you
special. I wish I could be there to celebrate with
you. Gran and Papa Keith send their love they want
you to come out and see them. I hope you have a
good time and remember I love you very much!! DAD



Anyhow, I've just changed so much. Looking at my old stuff was fun. Though even looking back just a year ago, I'm embarrassed at how little I knew and how naive I was. I suppose next year I'll do the same in regards to this year. And henceforth. The never ending cycle of revelations in past and future ignorance.

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Greg's Gig - fifth grade writing assignment - out of the files afore mentioned

There was once a grasshopper named Gregg, who lived in Grassland, Pennsylvania during the years of the great grasshopper social uprising. Gregg was a preteen lime green member of the well-known Long-hopper family. Coming home from school one afternoon, Gregg nonchalantly dropped his backpack on the floor and caromed out the door. "Where are you going, and do you have any homework?" inquired his concerned mom. Although Gregg was usually truthful, he told her he only had one small requirement for history class, and asked if he could please go to the movies with his friends. His mother, as pleased as a porcupine in a salt mine, was satisfied with this answer because it was very respectful, and instructed him to be home by 6:45 for dinner. It was a whopper. But it worked. He went. 


Here was the first catch. Gregg did not actually plan to go to the movies; instead he had a date to spray-paint the home of his enemy, Nick, who was a member of the arch-rival ant clan. Gregg had endured months of torment from the foul-mouthed ant. Clandestinely, Nick learned of the plot against him while intercepting notes in history class. Nick decided to follow Gregg and foil their plans. While Gregg continued his devious preparations, Nick videotaped their mischief because he planned to show the tape to the long-hopper tribe. Quickly, Nick took his evidence to Gregg's home and presented his tragic story to Mrs. Long-hopper. He showed the videotape. Not finished, he also announced the history class assignment. Gregg walked in just in time to hear his cover story unravel as unstoppably as a domino maze. "Write eight paragraphs which compare and contrast the contributions of four Roman senators, and present it as a play. Provide original design costumes, background, and props. Reserve the theatre, prepare invitations and marketing posters. Hire actors. Produce. Direct."

"Is that the thirty minutes of homework you mentioned earlier?" she shrieked to her son. Overwhelmed by the enormity of her failures as a mother, Mrs. Long-hopper grew pale and faint. After sipping some peppermint tea to revive herself, she thanked Nick for his information  apologetically.  Turning to Gregg, she declared, "Now I realize that I have truly failed you, my long legged son. I must repent. You shall be homeschooled from now until you are 25." Subsequently, and without delay, she retrieved the pristine spanking spoon. Because it was never used, it sported a trail of cobwebs as tangled and sticky as a young girl's hair after a bout with cotton candy and lollipops. After cleaning it off, she beat his little bum like a drum. The final blow came when Mr. Long-hopper, who for many years had been a detached workaholic, arrived home from work at 8:30. Upon hearing the dismal news, he reluctantly agreed that their son would be home educated. Additionally, he decided to have Gregg work with him every afternoon in the mail room, and to ground him for two months. Gregg's gig was truly up.

Moral: If you have a delinquent son or daughter, home school is a cool tool.

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'nother old writing :)

This one is from when I was eight! I laughed so hard, I can't even sit straight. I was so arrogant! There are some grains of truth in the following, hehe, but it's mostly just made up facts. ;)


"Do you know what tv can do to your brain? Well, I'm here to tell you the truth. When you sit down to watch tv, your brain gets sucked in and it's very hard to stop. I once saw a commercial where as a young boy grew older, he got mad when it was time to eat dinner. You have to get cable, the commercial said. Not! It's just something we want! We don't necessarily need cable. In 1945 people got along fine without cable. You can just read a book. Now, I'm not saying I never get sucked in, or never even watch tv, I just diceplene myself, and don't watch it very often. Once you begin to watch tv, your mind becomes blank and uncontrollable cause it doesn't have to work. Especially if you watch more than 30 min. before school. Most tv is junk. If you watch junk tv, it's like eating junk food. Soon your brain gets so filled up and bursting with junk tv, it can only think junky thoughts. A foolish man despises someone who criticizes him, but a wise man loveth those who criticize him. I'm  not trying to criticize any people that watch tv, I'm just proving a point. When some of my friends dads walk me home from playing at their house, they usually talk about how my mom hardly ever lets us watch tv. They say: A man must have his tv. We have to have it to play our important football games. Actually, they can live without it and it's not important. Does your dad when he comes home from work plop down on the lazy boy chair and flip on the tv? Most dads do. My mom teases my dad when we run that he only stretches like this. (picture of channel changing) So I persuade you to listen with both your ears to my convenient smart advice and when you feel the immediate urge to watch tv to just read a book."

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First Known/Recovered Story

My first found -  or at least that I know of - story I wrote! There may be others, but they have yet to be discovered ;) I wrote this 'masterpiece' when I was four. There are pictures that accompany the amusing tale. but not here.


Original:

the tigre who wus sad.

ther wer good tidgrs (.) but othr one wus brud and funky (.) then he went to jimasiks (.) he laernd lost of triks (.) wen he cam bake they likd him (.) the end they loved him 

Edited:

The tiger who was sad.

There were good tigers. But other one was rude (?) bad (?) and funky. Then he went to gymnastics. He learned lots of tricks. When he came back, they liked him. In the end they loved him.

Moral of this story:

You can be as mean and "funky" as you want, but if you go to gymnastics and learn some hardcore tricks, we'll like you. Or even love love you.

Analysis:

I had some messed up views, sheesh!

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Poems of younger years!

I came across these old poems of mine recently among some old stuff. I think I wrote these around ages 6/7. I laughed so hard when I read "The Queen". Gosh, it's always fun to look back and see how crazily our minds thought when we were little.


Summer Day

Clouds, Sunshine, Blue Sky
We're sittin' under trees eatin' pie
All this just for you and I

Autumn Day

Stalks of corn are growing 
The black ravens are crowing
Yellow kernels showing!

The Queen

If I went to a palace
And tried to please the Queen
I'm afraid she'd say "You're much to callous!"
And strut off very mean.

If I went to a palace
And tried to serve the Queen
I'm afraid she'd say "You're food's too fattening - 
And I'm trying to stay lean!"


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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Life in the Military #2 - Deployments

Deployment is a touchy issue. I know of marriages that have been destroyed by it, families disconnected by it, and lives changed by it, for better and for worse. My dad has been deployed numerous times. A year on gitmo, six months in Asia, a year in Saudi Arabia, six months in Bosnia, a few months in Europe, a year in Afghanistan, and a year or two in other various places worldwide. He's missed christmases, birthdays, easters, and graduations. He's brought home kites from Japan, rugs and ancient spear points and tools he dug up from Afghanistan, chests from Pakistan, and numerous other trinkets from his escapades. Not to mention a sack of emotions.

I've hugged and waved off men at the bus station on the way to war who didn't return for the homecoming welcome.
I've led activities and events for the kids of the struggling mothers in the Family Readiness Group, a support group for our deployed unit.
I've sat through memorial services trying not to cry.
I've visited at my house with a mother of a son KIA , while my family talked with her and listened to her, even when she talked endlessly of every mundane detail of her sons life.
I've been with my sisters caring for my mom during 9 months of pregnancy and birth while my dad was gone.
I've....not cared at all that my dad was away.

And I can't believe I just wrote that, admitting such. But it's true, there have been times where I really didn't care whether or not my dad came back. I guess I had just gotten used to the family hierarchy and system the way it was, and I felt like dad was just an intruder. Being gone for such a long time can do that to a family, and it's true that there is some form of rejection, however slight, when parents return home. Obviously I love my dad and don't still feel that way now. I'm just saying, it's happened.

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Life in the Military #1 - base housing vs. civilian housing

Living off-base is a new experience for me. I've never lived in "civilian housing" all my life. Living on a base made me feel both more fearful and more safe simultaneously. I was always conscious of US safety, and threats that the base encountered. Going on and off post, I daily saw the sign at the entrance checkpoint signaling the threat level of that particular day. Usually it was "Alpha", which is the lowest threat level. But I vividly remember the days when it progressed to Bravo and Charlie. Those days I did everything with a rather timid spirit, going outside and looking up at the sky frequently. Living on a base also made me feel somewhat safe. I knew that it was better than any gated community. Heck, we had men with some of the most deadly weapons right across the street, and at every checkpoint entrance in the entire base! Army men and women were everywhere, and I think just about every neighbor had a gun rack in their house. Needless to say, it's somewhat relaxing. I don't recall ever locking our doors at night either.

But for the last..almost-year, I've been living in real civilian housing for the first time. Things have changed a bit. We lock our doors and car now. We don't go walking the dog late at night. You can't hear the neighbors through the walls. ;)
Yet sadly, we also hardly know our neighbors here - whereas on base, everyone knew each other. We lived right next to each other, we knew everyones kids and last names and job and where all they'd been the last ten years. We were all connected through our common denominator, and enjoyed it.

* oh, and I haven't moved nearly as much as the average 'military brat'. I've been pretty lucky in that regard. 5 state moves and 9 houses. The average for someone my age would be at least somewhere from 8-12.

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

HOOAH!


Symptoms of a Military Brat - Wiki -

Accordingly, this group is shaped by frequent moves, absence of a parent, authoritarian family dynamics, strong patriarchal authority, threat of parental loss in war, and a militarized family unit. While non-military families share many of these same attributes, military culture is unique due to the tightly knit communities that perceive these traits as normal. Although the children did not choose to belong to it, military culture can have a long-term impact on the children. As adults, military brats can share many of the same positive and negative traits developed from their mobile childhoods. Having had the opportunity to live around the world, military brats can have a breadth of experiences unmatched by most teenagers. Some can struggle to develop and maintain deep, lasting relationships, and can feel like outsiders to U.S. civilian culture. Their transitory lifestyle can hinder potential for constructing concrete relationships with people and developing emotional attachments to specific places, which may later develop into psychologically developmental disorders.

I don't think all of those symptoms apply to me, but I have been (albeit jokingly...sometimes jokingly, that is) labeled a "Military Brat" nonetheless. Yesterday I spent a great deal of time reminiscing and pondering my experiences in a military lifestyle, and how it shaped my life more than I perceived. My thoughts are rather jumbled, but I'm going to try and write of those that specifically jump out at me. I think I'll try and make each a specific post, otherwise this may get too long.

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

"They can't hurt you unless you let them"


Pain is my friend. The pain of sore, tired, aching muscles. The kind of pain that screams "You're getting stronger!" with every strain. I've always been a fan of the phrase "No pain, no gain". But I'm probably a bigger fan of this phrase: "Mind over Matter." Whenever I run or swim, and get to that point where I feel like my lungs are either going to shrivel up or explode...or when my legs are burning with tiredness, and thoughts jaded with the idea of stopping..... I push harder. There's some kind of twisted enjoyment out of physically and mentally watching myself burn out until I crumple to the ground. The funny thing is..I have yet to find my limit. How far can I take it? How far can you take it? I've been surprised to find that many times when I perceive I've discovered my breaking point...I breach it. And just keep going. And then I find a new breaking point. And then I'm forced, either by a coach or my dad, to push harder. You'd be surprised to what the body can adapt to. The truth is, our lazy minds love to tell us that we're done. They shriek, they call on our human nature and remind us just how weak we are. That we simply can't go on. When, unwittingly, we actually can. But because we never try, we'll never know just how far. I for one have yet to find that point of no return. And you know what's more? I don't think I ever will. I kind of think the breaking point for me would be...well...death. And I don't really want to go that far. I'm surprisingly determined and hard willed...in other words, stubborn. ;)

So let loose all Hell.

I want to take it on.

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”
-T.S. Eliot

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Friday, June 5, 2009

[and the lion shall rip the lamb to shreds and munch on the bones]


I've always been a sucker for animals. I just have a fascination with life itself...living, breathing creatures amaze me. Doesn't matter how ugly, smelly, or dirty they may be. Heck, I think warthogs are awesome! Even just having an animal in a room, or outside a house, or just...anywhere..completely transforms how I view a place. Take a cozy library. A fire, chushy armchairs, musty books...and then there's a cat sitting on the chair arm. Doesn't it seem much more inviting! I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe you don't like cats. ;)
[I like the idea that domesticated cats are just mini-wild cats. I sometimes envision my black cat is just a young leopard ;)]

Anyways, the other day I was watching Animal Planet during lunch. The scene was following a cheetah on her hunt for prey. My mom walked in just as the cheetah was making a run for the kill. She stared, eyes fixed to the screen muttering worriedly "oh...no way he's going to get it...stupid zebras....wait, why are they just standing there? Why aren't they running?! Run zebras, run! No! No! Turn it off! No! I didn't comply. I was like "mom, chill, stop over reacting!" I kind of laughed at her sqeamishness. "This is the circle of life! I know it isn't pretty..but come on, they've gotta eat too."
I was never really sqeamish or grossed out about things like that. I mean, when I was ten, I had pictures of big cats plastered all over my room. Lions with red-stained mouths, the works. I loved the big dopes. It's tragical for the prey, but I admired the strength of the predators and just accepted the fact that life and loss come together. But how my mom responded kind of shocked me. She said
"No, it's not the circle of life, it's awful! How can you watch that and be okay with it? Don't you know this isn't how things were meant to be? That's sin, Mary Claire, that's the result of sin!"

Watching the cheetah tear chunks of flesh from the still-alive hindquarters of the Zebra now made me feel incredibly horrible, as I realized my mom was entirely right. This wasn't how things were intended...I finally felt the extreme horror of realizing how sin had permeated even into the instincts of beasts. It didn't feel like the circle of life to me anymore, but more like a
R-rated movie as I saw the rest of the Zebra herd flee in fear as their comrade was eaten alive.

This isn't how things were supposed to be.

"And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat, and it was so"

- Genesis 1:30


Animals can't help it, and aren't malicious slaughtering creatures. Yet humankind put the thirst for blood in their nature. I have such shame. :P Now I see it for the sick, twisted evil that it is. Creatures eaten by fellow creatures. All beasts are cursed by us, and they don't even have any hope for salvation.

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb: and the leopard shall lie down with the kid: the calf and the lion, and the sheep shall abide together, and a little child shall lead them.

And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

The nursing child will play by the hole of the cobra, And the weaned child will put his hand on the viper's den.

They will not hurt or destroy in all My holy mountain, For the earth will be full of the knowledge of the LORD As the waters cover the sea.


- Isaiah 6-9

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Thursday, June 4, 2009

[well then who's to blame?]


Sometimes I conjure up an image in my head of what I think Adam and Eve looked like. And then I start hurling insults.

You idiots! You retards! What were you thinking? You ruined everything for us! Do you know what you did? All evil stems from you!

and I just want to throttle them. I just want to throttle them in anger and never let go.

Until I remember how easy and convenient it is to have someone to put the blame of the fall of humanity on.
[pretty heavy guilt to bear, no?]

But I know, deep inside, that it would've happened to the best of us. It's sad, it really is. In a way I can only be grateful it wasn't me in Eve's position. Honestly, it could have been any one of us back then. We're just lucky to be born when we were. I wouldn't want to have myself known as the one responsible for the entrance of evil through my inevitable disobedience.

But I can't help but feel angry, despite knowing that.

Adam...Eve...thanks.

thanks a lot. :P

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

church is not bound by time


If your church is anything at all like my church, the weekly Sunday services go as such -

worship. [it's a baptist church, far from primitive, so we do indeed use acoustic and electric guitars, keyboard, drums, etc.
prayer. Personally, I feel like my church prayers use a lot of jargon and so called 'good sounding words' to enhance the mood, but what's said is really nothing so meaningful.]
more worship. [they're pretty good, I've gotta say.]
prayer. [more church jargon]
more worship.
prayer.
short media clip.
sermon. [I like the pastor a lot.]
altar call. [we'll get to this]
'the little bowl thing that is passed around' time. [aka -offering]
introducing new christians and members of the church.
announcements.
worship.
- end -

I don't recall ever fully 'belonging' to a church. I've moved too often, and my family never could seem to get rooted in a church we all liked. Granted, church is supposed to be more than just 'liking' it, but I think you know what I mean. Anyways, I also don't recall any church I've been to (except a few catholic ones) not having an altar call. As I'm sure you know, an altar call is towards the end of the sermon where the dramatic music is cued and the pastor starts calling on any lost souls in the sanctuary. It's a call to make an outward step of faith to the congregation. This once never bothered me. But now it does. Why? Because I think it's kind of lame to have only three minutes, or as long as the worship team plays "Come Just as You are", to make that decision and go out in front of everybody. I feel like it's more of a spontaneous decision rather than a true pull from God. Granted, I cannot state that for everyone. I'm sure some people really were called on by the Lord and really were transformed. Yet I still cannot agree with the concept behind the altar call. Nobody needs to leave their seat to accept Christ. The person still kneeling at the altar when the music stops doesn't need to be told awkwardly by the pastor that 'deacon Chuck will take you to the back room to get more information' in order to move the service along. I just don't agree with it. I don't want my coming to Christ to be on a time schedule where if the music starts to fade, oops, better get saved next week.

I also wish churches would stop with the drama, effects, and enhancements during these calls. Jack Hyles, a prominent figure of the Independent Baptist movement is quoted as saying:

“Many of us in our preaching will make such statements as, ‘Now, in conclusion’; ‘Finally, may I say’; ‘My last point is . . .’ These statements are sometimes dangerous. The sinner knows five minutes before you finish; hence he digs in and prepares himself for the invitation so that he does not respond. However, if your closing is abrupt and a lost person does not suspect that you are about finished, you have crept up on him and he will not have time to prepare himself for the invitation. Many people may be reached using this method.”

I don't want trickery. I don't want methods of salvation.

“When a person truly understands that God is responsible for the effectual call, all the gimmicks, gadgets, and psychological trickery that men have resorted to in our day will be regarded as futile . . . Long invitations, ‘altar calls,’ and emotional appeals do not bring men to Christ, God does (I Cor. 2:4-5).” Tom Ross

I also want [gosh, I sure am wanting a lot. selfish much?] church to be about church, not about getting people in, giving the message, and getting them out to check it off the list. If the pastor has to worry about whether the congregation is paying attention, the congregation shouldn't be there. If you're thinking about lunch during the message, you shouldn't be there! Haha, and I'm being a hypocrite to the extreme here. I'm always thinking about lunch. I simply wish that church was open all day Sunday. You come because you want to come, not because you're
a) socially obligated
b) feeling guilty
c) a good, check it off the list, christian person

I want the pastor to speak all day, while those who wish to listen gather 'round. Kind of similar to how Jesus spoke. He didn't make a schedule or a time limit. He stayed around all day while people came and went.

Feel free to disagree, I'd love to hear some opposition.

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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm Yours


well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
....
So, I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait I'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate
I'm yours


Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna take an entirely secular song and reinvent the meaning to produce some sort of biblical application. Yup. Here goes...I feel like we should be singing this song [Jason Mraz, by the way] to God. ...I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to say this, or that it will come out right...but I'm going to try. Sorry for any lame analogies or metaphors I may or may not bring up. Anyways, why is it we put God on hold? Why do we wait to follow his commands and urges as if there's some sort of magical time we're putting it off for?...just waiting. Partly procrastination, but mostly just...waiting.

I feel like the typical "average" christian. I go to church. I believe wholeheartedly in God. I try to seek him...I try to map my heart to follow his. But I've encountered a problem. I'm lazy. Am I willing to take up my cross and follow him? I mean - literally? To what extent am I willing to give away my personal comfort for the sake of Gods call? I don't know.

There are many levels to this question. One I think about most is that of the great commission. I know we've all heard it before..I know I for one have heard it in church, or seen the 'scare-factor' email forwards that relay this very subject....but...if I believe what I say I believe, why am I so lazy? Why do I wait? For what am I waiting on? Why aren't I screaming on the streets about what I know to be true? Yeah, this is about the salvation of souls, guys.

People are going to live in eternal damnation. I mean, literally, holy crap. People are going to be tortured for all eternity....Many faces I've seen of relatives, friends, people on the street.....will be contorted in misery when the time comes. Unless something is done. They'll burn. They're going to be gone, and it'll in a sense be partly my fault. I'm positive you know someone, many someones who don't know God. Yet I for one know that I act as though it's not really going to happen, that eventually it'll all be okay and no one will have to go through that torture. I can almost feel tears of rage towards myself welling up in my eyes for that false reality I've created.

But it's a scary place to be, that place of denial.

I have to take responsibility.

Matthew 13:50 - and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Revelation 14:10 - that person will also drink of the wine of God’s anger that has been mixed undiluted in the cup of his wrath, and he will be tortured with fire and sulfur in front of the holy angels and in front of the Lamb.

Revelation 14:11 - And the smoke from their torture will go up forever and ever, and those who worship the beast and his image will have no rest day or night, along with anyone who receives the mark of his name.”

And to think that I'm not doing much to stop it. I should probably have tears streaming down my face for the sorrow and loss of those I love, and the many other unbelievers who won't hear, or reject the truth. I should be screaming the truth with all my might.

But I don't scream. And I'm not crying. And even though I recognize this, I'm not moving, am I? No, I'm just sitting here. Writing this crappy blog post. That no one will probably ever read anyways.

[sigh]

God, I want to be Yours. Help me rid myself of this awful apathy that clings to me like a choking vine that won't let go.


But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
I'm yours


and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention

Christianity, if false, is of no importance,and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important. - CS Lewis

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Monday, June 1, 2009

Every sentence in my head...someone else has said


Everything I do has been done before.

Is there nothing new under the sun?

Ecclesiastes 1:9

What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun


Alas, there is nothing. It's kind of sad. All I can do is reinvent, replay, remold. Humans are masters of recreation. I began to feel depressed when I considered that. But I read an article that changed my mindset. It read:

There is a concept that creativity is the invention of something original. This is misleading:

a) Originality implies a break from the past. In fact, all ideas are evolutions of previous concepts.

b) Creativity is cumulative and incremental. Newton said he “stood on the shoulder of giants.”

c) Creativity can be defined as recombination. It is the creation of something new post the combination of elements that have previously existed.

d) Creativity can be defined as involving novel but useful solutions. Therefore it is a relative term. And has practical dimensions.

e) Creativity can have degrees – the expression of unusual thoughts, the experience of the world in novel ways, the affecting of significant change. All are grounded to that which exists.

So I can write without worry now. :)

at the end of my life is an open door

The Who, 905

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Sunday, May 31, 2009

[all's fair in love..and pinball...and taxi driver #2]


two lovers kiss and it doesn't mean a thing
first come first serve assembly line
for wind-up hearts to sell and trade

two lovers kiss and it's just a midnight fling
just talk more talk of your cloud nine
but by the hour the price is paid

two lovers kiss but you'll never see a ring
although their arms may intertwine
they've cheapened love; it's now decayed

two people weep and it means most everything
for tried and failed attempts to find
the meaning of love at the penny arcade

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Friday, May 8, 2009

fed up with the haters..


The joke goes..


   "military intelligence....isn't that an oxymoron?"

  and I reply "how do you mean? ...Didn't you sleep in peace last night?"

Civilian and military intelligence work is pretty much a thankless job. For every intelligence failure you know about, there are probably fifty successes you don't know about. We mark September 11, 2001 on our calendar - but what about August 10, 2006? This was the day that police arrested three would-be suicide attackers who were smuggling peroxide-based explosives onboard aircraft in a dry-run of attack, which would take place on August 12th. How about the 2002 West Coast Airliner plot? The 2002 Jose Padilla plot? The 2003 Heathrow Airport plot? The 2002 Arabian Gulf Shipping plot? The 2003 Tourist Site plot? Any of those sound familiar? It's unlikely. Society is so quick to throw the military under the bus when things go wrong...

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